I’m scared that I want to be so many things, that I’ll end up being nothing.
Sylvia Plath best described this disposition in The Bell Jar:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story... I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose... and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
While I maintain that I do not have the time or the acumen to train as a brain surgeon and simultaneously partake in the Russian ballet, mainly because I am not Russian (but moreso because I have two left feet and no desire to be a size 0), and the most I know about brains is that mine doesn’t work sometimes.
I accept this philosophical issue can plague anyone regardless of gender; however, the moral and social pressure women feel to have children and be mothers, deeply impacts our ability to do and become everything we desire. I’m still trying to figure out how I can fit in Iron Man training with my four children, while completing my nursing degree and living on the space station. Back to the drawing board for me.
In all seriousness, there is something so terrifying about reaching for what you want and thus letting everything else fall around you. But what a privilege to have so many options, right?
I experience a monthly paralysis, where I attempt to grapple with myself why I didn’t grab every opportunity and become some world-famous something or other by the age of 16. (Honourable mention to the capitalist hamster wheel for aiding this crisis.) Anyways, this monthly disposition is synchronised with my luteal phase, and thus, I attempt to shrug it off. I know deep down, however, that part of me does yearn to turn back time and be the loudest and proudest person in the room. To grab every opportunity and shake it and beat it like a dead horse. To learn how to make something out of nothing sooner than I learnt to stop applying myself, for fear of rejection & judgement.
Sometimes it can feel so much easier to shut everything out than acknowledge you may need to let other things go, to pursue what you truly want. The current state of the world means that, as a 22-year-old, there are 15-year-olds earning more than I will ever earn in my lifetime. As a uni student struggling to find work, even in a part-time role, this bombardment of comparison can feel, at best, overwhelmingly isolating, and at worst, horrifyingly depressing. After a day of job applications and dissertation writing, the last thing you want to see is a bunch of 15-year-olds being paid thousands to attend Coachella. Alas, comparison is the thief of joy, so I tell myself I would rather be in my creaky (slightly mouldy) student house, next to my mountain of washing and mysteriously smelling reduced chicken, than partying in California.
It’s funny how we complain about our losses but eternally set ourselves up for them. “I applied to this job, but I definitely won’t get it…” We leave ourselves no room for hope because the easy way out is to shrug off any chance of excitement or joy at the proposition of a good thing, a virtuous attempt at shielding ourselves from the pain and ‘embarrassment’ of being let down. When you fail at valuing yourself or recognising your wins as successes - and instead beat yourself down for your losses - how can you possibly imagine yourself doing anything other than remaining exactly where you are? At some twisted point, being excited became ‘uncool’.
I think maybe it’s not about being everything at once, but being something on purpose.
You don’t allow yourself to be excited, you don’t make room for your sadness, you feel embarrassment at the thought of putting yourself out there, but then tend to your open wound of jealousy when you see others reaping the rewards of their efforts. Go and put yourself out there. Go and be embarrassing (things are only embarrassing if you let them feel that way). Go and apply for those jobs and speak to those people you’re too nervous to, and grab every opportunity that will allow you to create the life you so painfully desire, because nobody else is going to do it for you. Nobody is going to hand it to you.
How lucky are you to feel like you have things you’d be disappointed to lose? We all have to start somewhere, and fortunately enough, we do have time to try something, or a lot of things, and fail. The biggest successes in life are not your promotions or businesses - while these are enormously impressive and should be celebrated - I think the biggest reward here is the personal growth we attain when trying and failing and trying once or twice or one hundred times more. The grit and determination we have as humans to make something of ourselves is commendable.
Just pick the fig and see what happens, you’re going to have to at some point. Look after the tree, and the rest will be waiting for you later.
A.
Beautiful feen x